What if ?

The “what if’s” can drive a person crazy. Especially if you dwell on them. But sometimes it’s hard to not go through them in your mind and imagine what life could or should be like.

What if … we never faced illness of any kind? Whether that be mental illness or physical.

What if …we never experienced heartbreak ?

What if … we never lost that loved one?

What if … we never had to make a choice that could affect others?

What if … we never had to struggle financially?

What if … that one thing never happened?

I could go on and on. I’m sure my reader’s could too.

Those thoughts kept me up late last night. I cried thinking of all the pain in my life. I realized and acknowledged some really painful moments and began to question God about how and why he would allow such pain and suffering.

I was thinking about my daughter and the various things that have happened to her, and myself.

If you allow those thoughts, memories and experiences to define you they will. If you let yourself revisit the pain, it will flood your inner most being.

I have shared a lot about my daughter and a little about myself. But is that an accurate picture of our journey? The answer is No. She is who she is, because of the life experiences I exposed her to. And I carry a shit load of guilt. Some things were by choice, some not. Don’t get me wrong, at some point she comes of age and needs to take responsibility for the choices she makes too. ( I’m learning to draw boundaries).

But I have regrets. Here is where we circle back to the what if’s. I pondered them for a while and it was painful.

So I’m going to start opening up a little more about myself, to shed light to my reader’s about the big picture.

I was sexually abused at a very young age. It was the dirty family secret. Sweep it under the rug, no one can know. (How I longed for my mother to protect me).

My father died when I was eight years old of a massive heart attack and my mother remarried soon after.

I grew up in a very religious home. Sometimes, if I am being honest it was overboard. I have six sisters and two brothers. Some I have relationships with, some I don’t.

I was a troubled teen and ran away from home around 12 or 13 and didn’t return. I lived in foster care and a group home. I did reconnect with my family, but the relationship with my mom isn’t what I would like it to be. I love her though, she is after all my mom.

My first husband was and still is an alcoholic. He was abusive mentally, verbally and physically. I justified it because he never directly punched me. He restrained me, choked me and held his hand over my mouth so I couldn’t talk or breathe and he held a gun on me and threatened my life. Amanda saw some of those moments. We split and got back together multiple times over seventeen years. I stayed thinking I was doing my daughter some favor by keeping her family together.

I was in another relationship after my marriage ended. Another mess I am not proud of. It was so bad that one day while riding as a passenger in the car with him I seriously contemplated jumping out at 60 MPH on the freeway. He stalked me and sent vile text messages destroying my self confidence, the mental abuse was horrific.

I’ve been abused, hurt, lied to, cheated on and broken. I have loved and lost, I have grieved and said goodbye to loved ones. I am still in deep grief over the loss of my granddaughter. There are many more stories I could share. Can’t we all?

I’ve been depressed, anxious, and again if I am being honest I probably have PTSD too.

I’m working on all those things in counseling for the first time at forty eight years old. Sometimes it takes a long time for someone to seek help and face your ugly truths. But I am. I look forward to my sessions and learn more about myself, my patterns and behaviors each time. I’m also learning coping skills and acceptance.

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What do I want reader’s to glean from today’s blog?

Your children are watching, they may not say anything because it’s a part of their normal. But someday when they grow up, they will repeat patterns and make similar choices. Teach them to love themselves enough to be respected. I’m pretty sure I failed here.

Face your truths so eventually you can be free. Embrace the present, acknowledge and accept the past.

The what if’s are part of your journey, but don’t allow yourself to be trapped in them. You can move forward but you have to want to.

Your mistakes are part of the journey too, don’t live a life of guilt regretting them, instead take responsibility and learn from them.

Believe in yourself. Love one another, support one another and refrain from judgement. Extend your hand to someone in need, you never know what a person may be going through behind closed doors, or how many tears they shed on their pillow at night.

As always thanks for reading, be gentle I’m not a professional, just a mom. Please follow, like, comment and share my blog.